Unmasking Toxic Shame: Understanding Its Roots and Impact in Adulthood
Shame is a universal human emotion, often experienced as a response to the perception of having done something wrong or inappropriate. However, there is a darker, more insidious form of shame that can profoundly affect individuals throughout their lives: toxic shame. Unlike healthy shame, which can be a transient and constructive emotion – and can often elicit change in behaviors; toxic shame becomes deeply ingrained in a person’s identity, shaping their self-perception and influencing their behavior in detrimental ways. Furthermore, shame tends to be a corrosive somatic thread that lends itself to somatic turmoil within. Shame can manifest physically as a flushed face, tight chest, stomach discomfort, or a sense of freezing or wanting to hide.
I often say that shame has two things it says to us “there is something wrong with you, and you can’t tell anyone about it” [invitation to breathe]
This blog explores how toxic shame manifests in adulthood and the pivotal role childhood experiences play in its development.
Shame thrives in dark, but begins to lessen in the light - especially when shared and witnessed amongst safe humans in safe spaces
Some Roots of Toxic Shame
Toxic shame often originates in childhood, which as we know is an informative period when we are most vulnerable to external influences. Several factors can contribute to the development of toxic shame during this critical stage:
Parental Criticism and Neglect:
Children who grow up with overly critical or neglectful parents often internalize negative messages about themselves. When caregivers consistently convey that a child is inherently flawed or unworthy, the child begins to believe these damaging assertions, laying the groundwork for toxic shame.
Some examples that lay the groundwork here are “what is wrong with you?” and “why are you like this?” and the finger pointing/wagging with scowls on a parental or authorities face.
The emotional neglect that can take place in childhood where a parent is emotionally immature can create shame around simply having emotions.
Abuse and Trauma:
Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse can be deeply shaming experiences. Victims often blame themselves for the abuse, leading to a pervasive sense of shame that can last well into adulthood. Traumatic experiences can also disrupt a child’s ability to develop a healthy self-concept, further entrenching feelings of shame.
Cultural and Societal Influences:
Societal standards and cultural norms can impose unrealistic expectations on children. Whether it’s pressure to conform to gender roles, academic performance, or physical appearance, failure to meet these expectations can result in feelings of inadequacy and shame.
Manifestations of Toxic Shame in Adulthood
Toxic shame doesn’t disappear with age; instead, it often intensifies, influencing various aspects of an individual’s life. Here’s how toxic shame can manifest in adulthood:
Low Self-Esteem:
Adults grappling with toxic shame often have a persistently low sense of self-worth. They may feel inherently flawed or unworthy of love and respect, which can hinder personal and professional relationships.
Perfectionism:
To counteract feelings of inadequacy, individuals with toxic shame might adopt perfectionistic tendencies. They set impossibly high standards for themselves in an attempt to prove their worth, but this often leads to a cycle of striving and self-criticism.
Avoidance and Withdrawal:
Toxic shame can lead to social withdrawal and avoidance behaviors. Individuals may isolate themselves to prevent others from seeing their perceived flaws, leading to loneliness and further reinforcing feelings of shame.
People-Pleasing:
In an effort to gain approval and validation, those with toxic shame may become chronic people-pleasers. They prioritize others’ needs over their own, often to the detriment of their own well-being.
Self-Sabotage:
Toxic shame can drive self-sabotaging behaviors. Whether it’s procrastination, substance abuse, or staying in unhealthy relationships, individuals may unconsciously undermine their success and happiness because they feel undeserving.
Healing from Toxic Shame
While toxic shame can be deeply entrenched, it is possible to heal and develop a healthier self-concept. Here are some steps that can aid in the recovery process:
Therapy:
Engaging in therapy, particularly approaches like EMDR, Psychodrama and Sociometry, Inner Child Work, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems (IFS), can help individuals uncover the roots of their shame and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Self-Compassion:
Practicing self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding, especially in moments of failure or pain. It’s about recognizing that imperfection is part of the human experience.
Reframing Negative Beliefs:
Challenging and reframing deeply held negative beliefs about oneself is crucial. This involves identifying irrational thoughts and replacing them with more balanced, realistic perspectives.
Building Supportive Relationships:
Surrounding oneself with supportive, non-judgmental people can foster a sense of belonging and acceptance, counteracting feelings of shame.
Mindfulness and Self-Awareness:
Developing mindfulness and self-awareness can help individuals stay present and recognize when shame is influencing their thoughts and behaviors. This awareness is the first step toward change.